I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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