so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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