Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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