Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
