just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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