don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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