I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
