I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
