She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
