There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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