u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
