I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
