I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
