My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
