I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
