i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
