Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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