I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Are my feet made of real feet?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
