The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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