today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
