just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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