his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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