Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
