Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
