Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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