ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
