Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
