Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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