11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
