as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
