I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
