I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
