i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
should my penis look like a turkey
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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