I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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