wakey wakey hands off snakey
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
