I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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