There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
