I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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