what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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