Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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