I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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