she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
