I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
