just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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