Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
