alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
