Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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