Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
