A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
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New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
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Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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