Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
