I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
