you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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