So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
