Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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