i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Randomize
