walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
