There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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