Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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