When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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