You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
