im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
