I am puke
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
