I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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