Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
